Silence is golden

After more than a year I'm looking back at my notes, and I realize one thing - I've got so much calmer since I wrote it, so much healthier. Some of the memories are so distant, I have hard time believing it was actually happening to me. Am I cured? No, the panics a still there, they happen, but they are not central part of my day anymore. They became nuisance, unpleasant episodes and immediately forgotten. I remember my therapist told me the attacks will eventually become this, I didn't believe, I was horrified, I thought I'll be able to go back to my old resilient self. Now I've learned that my experience was so drastic, forgetting it is impossible, and just like my tired, twisted years ago ankle hurts when I play soccer, my tired, twisted mind sometimes hurts and I panic.

Since coping with an attack became an non-issue I moved to eliminating first fear. I try to teach myself not to fear what I'm afraid irrationally. When I have especially disturbing fantasy, and I feel I'm going to the place I don't want to go, I taught myself to step back and rationalize the fantasy. I started to understand, that the fantasy, as horrible as it is, can be turned around by simply doubting it. Just like the phobia starts by allowing believing in irrational horrible fantasy, I can grasp the sanity by disbelieving the fantasy. So whenever I have a sane moment, I try to pay attention to it, make it stick in my mind, just like those disturbed moments would be stuck in my head for the rest of the day, when I was on the way to nervous breakdown. Whenever I have moments when reality seems to begin slipping away for no reason (maybe lack of sleep, maybe stress at work, or bad news in a paper), I try as much as I can not to fear that the panic attack (which always comes eventually after those short glimpses of impending doom sensation) will come. I just say to myself - well here it waits for me somewhere around a corner, and it sucks of course, but that's OK, let me see what was I thinking 5 minutes ago. Each time the wheel of emotions makes full circle and it's time to panic it becomes less and less of an event, and as such the fear of the next attack is not as sharp, and the quality of life is improving.

It is still weird, I still fill somewhat strange, and sometimes I wonder if I ever going to feel the way I used to feel, and I'm also not sure at all I can remember what it was like before, and I enjoy my new qualities and wisdom which came from dealing with illness. Have I became autistic in some way? Is it possible at all? Sometimes the world looks and feels like its far away, and I simply watching it like a movie, sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror, but longer I look, and more positive I try to be about what I see there, my mood improves. I'm also surprised how I can have a panic attack in a middle of conversation, and I don't think the person even notices, do I really control situation well? I guess I do, very interesting, I'm controlling myself feeling out of control... It is what it is, and I don't really think it's too important, what's important - is feeling good about myself. It could be just because my life improved for reasons unrelated to the illness, or maybe it's because I learned to utilize myself better, knowing there are limitations?

Andy Warhol went through rough emotional experiences when he was young, and he was neurotic. He wasn't very confident in his looks, but he was confident in his talents. This is one of the pictures of Marilyn Monroe he made after her committing suicide. Was she neurotic too? Most likely, and she definitely was disturbed by some harsh reality she failed to cope with. We would all think, "wow, why did she do it, she had it all". The mere reason probably was she lost confidence and used barbiturates to end it all. I doubt she felt she had it all. Confidence is such finicky thing, one day you feel on top of the world, and the next it all seems to be nothing. It's not our achievements, it's the way we look at those achievements. We need to teach ourselves to love ourselves, to forgive ourselves, to be proud no matter what, and to feel purpose - and if the purpose is to simply walk this earth - so be it. Just like our parents were amused by everything we did as babies, we need to be amused by what we do as adults. Let's be good parents to ourselves. Let's be happy.

I can't stop talking

There is this great song by an alternative band with a very witty name NOMEANSNO. The band's name is Nomeansno, the song is called "I can't stop talking". I'd like to share lyrics which to me is perfect description of state of mind when the restless thoughts torture tired brain and infinite circle of mind boggling conversation with oneself drives insane.

I keep myself awake at night
I try to stop, but I can't fight
That voice that whispers ceaselessly
The one that only talks to me
It tells me what I have to fear
It spits it's venom in my ear
It calculates and carefully
Enumerates it's strategies
Round and round it's loves and hates
It endlessly reiterates
It never stops, I've never heard
The silence of that final word

But I've got to stop talking, I can't stop talking
There is no stopping a brain that keeps talking
I know it's not healthy, I know it's not true
I don't even know who I'm talking to
But I can't stop talking, I've got to stop talking
All night and all day I have something to say
I drone on and on, though I know it's not true
I've got to stop talking, I'm not talking to you

The truth around my tongue is curled
A chain of words that binds the world
In a fever, all I
Is captured in my commentary
The why, the who, the where, the when
Let me repeat them all again
And then again my voice will sing
The praises of it's babbling
The arguments that I dissect
Are lucid, cogent and correct
And if you foolishly object
I'll Gram each word back down you neck

(chorus)

If I'm the talker, here's the thing -
Just who the hell is listening?
And if I am not tongue but ears
Then who's voice is it that I hear?
I swallow, choke, and clear my throat
Here comes another anecdote
A narrative of restlessness
Of what's been done and what is next
Does it love me, does it not?
Will this seduction never stop?
Hear the clacking parrot's beak
That speaks and speaks and speaks and speaks

How brothers Wright came up with this accurate snapshot of a disturbing mess, I don't know, but they described very well my own sensations during months leading to panic attacks. I remember the voices shouting in my ears when I tried to get asleep. Sometimes, when I was especially tired, I would hallucinate (or maybe I was dreaming, it was hard to discern) that I bounce from walls and floor around the room. Sometimes I would gripe my teeth so hard during those moments, I'd feel pain afterward. Not sure how and why, those sensations now are gone. I remember the same feelings where stronger and more persistent when I was around 25 years old (roughly 10 years ago). Was I stressed at that time? I think I was tremendously stressed. Actually, now when I think about it, I was stressed so much worse than before the attacks, but there was one significant difference. The stress was not there 24/7, I didn't worry about what's going to happen as much; maybe because I was younger, and didn't have family, responsibilities or commitments. Most importantly I was able to relax, to take my mind off the worries, have fun with friends. In other words, I could stop talking, I was giving my my mind a rest from talking to itself. This was the key.

I talked to somebody who suffers from insomnia and very mild form of tinnitus. This person admitted he is too talking to himself constantly and this is the main reason he's having trouble falling asleep. Luckily for him, when he falls asleep he's not waking up. This means his body can get much needed rest when the mind is able to shut up and let it go. His body is able to take full advantage of prolonged sleep recuperating from unpleasant stretch. Another interesting thing about this person, he's not afraid of his feelings and how he is. It's a very healthy attitude, the person accepts himself, and is very content, confidant and self sufficient. At least he projects himself this way, I know I give a very similar impression on people but I actually feel and think about myself in not the same way at all.

An important lesson to learn from this case, is how it is important to accept ourselves the way we are. Being content with what we can and cannot do, how we look, with our strengths and weaknesses. It may sound obvious for majority of people, but it's very important to enforce in our tired, vulnerable mind which is confused and lacks self confidence. When the panic is setting on, try to accept it, and even welcome it. Look at your feelings from the outside as much as possible, see them as physical sensations and don't be afraid. The miracle is, that with right attitude panic is short lived, it feels like a nuisance, like an annoying reminder of past injury (twisted ankle anyone?). Panic may manifest itself in different forms, and you probably already know by now what they are, so no matter what form the panic takes, what symptoms prevailing,  accepting them helps the most. Fighting and running away exacerbates panic. Say to yourself "I'm ill, I know, sometimes those feelings and thoughts overwhelm me, but it will pass, so I don't have to worry", not "Oh, my God! Why is it happening to me again? What did I eat? What was I stressed about? I have to fight this thing now!". It is useful to carefully and gently think about what may have led to the attack when it passed and your brain is calm, but don't force yourself in panic mode, relax and let it go.

When we accept ourselves,  the reality, the world around us, we won't feel disintegrated, unreal and lost. We are going to feel safe, secure and complete. If you have certain phobias ( I know I do have them ) there is a nice little trick I use to desensitize from those irrational fears. For example I have a strong fear of heights, it is phobia, because I don't fear the height itself, I fear that I may accidentally fall, it is very irrational, since when I go on balcony, why would I fall from it? It feels like a magnet which draws me to the brink, while, of course, I seat still. One of the problems with phobia is that we get stuck on the scary thought, and the fear mounts. The key is to somehow let this thought pass through without thinking it to much, just notice it and go on. Everybody knows the heights are dangerous, but this thought comes and goes thus the person is not afraid of having a cigarette on 20th floor, as there is no real danger. So when this kind of fear strikes, and my mind draws scary images of disaster, I imagine that the disaster already happened, and than I imagine how I'm standing up on a ground, dust myself off, and go back up to my apartment. I realized that my fear is simply fantasy, the product of my vivid imagination, and being such why should I stop the fantasy when something bad happens in it? I can go on, and fantasize about a happy ending too, it doesn't have to be real, this way I'm not afraid anymore, and I make the thought pass.

To summarize, fears, panics and phobias are happening because the brain cannot stop talking, processing information, making assumptions, worrying about the future, regretting the past. The key of desensitization is to learn how to calm the mind, how to stop talking. Ideally you should be able to get to the point when you think of absolutely nothing. At this moment all you do is observe surroundings, notice immediate changes in scenery, cars, lights, trees, people on the streets, your ears will be able to discern noises you didn't notice before, your eyes will notice small details. It is called being in a moment, living the moment, being present. Try to make thoughts pass through you, like a gentle stream, do not get stuck, don't let yourself to go in circles, don't brood. If you have phobias, don't be afraid of them, acknowledge that it is a phobia, irrational fear, try to imagine what happens next, after the worst in your fantasy happened. This should alleviate pressure and give your mind rest and peace, and the more peace your brain enjoys, the sooner recovery will happen.

Pot and confidence

One of the tough questions I ask myself during the course of those months, I'm going through adapting to my new self - can I still have fun with friends? Can I be social? The thing is I never was too happy to join a big company, I was always happy to have fun on my own, alone, or in a very small company. Chatting with the friend, meeting a girl, gathering three or five close friends to smoke pot or drink a lot, it was always fun for me. Going out to discotheque, crowded pub, or anything like that didn't really feel good. I would always be somewhat tense and uncomfortable, trying to escape.

I found out that I can still be in a company of friends, although it became tougher for me to have fun. My self apprehension is picking up, and I end up thinking about myself, about possible embarrassment due to having panic attack in a public place. I don't want my friends to see me vulnerable, and by doing so I fill tension, and tension brings anxiety. I can fairly say one thing for now. I do not enjoy company of my friends, I never look forward those gatherings, but with the time I see how I'm regaining the ability to relax in a company and forget myself, so sometimes I actually do have fun! Things are getting better in general, as my self confidence is growing, and my brain learns it can handle many situations. I can easily shop nowadays, and only three or four months ago it was very hard for me to do. Same goes to long car trips, only four months ago I dreaded the thought of leaving my neighborhood, and now I can easily drive four hours straight, and even stop for coffee and doughnuts without fearing caffeine would cause me to panic.

So as I said with progression I feel more comfortable socially, having a chat, drinking beer, eating chicken wings is not frightening to me anymore. This time though my old friend asked me if I want to smoke pot. I smoked pot before, never did it regularly, but occasionally I enjoyed it very much, it was always relaxing and fun. Now, it is known that some people may have panic attacks from smoking pot, and I'm being aware of this still decided to go ahead, smoke a little and see what I feel. At first I didn't feel much, but slowly I started to feel the familiar effects. I noticed how fear of something bad was slowly getting into me, any unpleasant topic of conversation felt like a danger. At this particular moment I had very unpleasant vertigo sensation, short, but quite tense. It was one of those so called "first" fears. The one that could easily trigger panic attack. I realized it right away, tried not to notice it, but by escaping and ignoring it I only made the fear stronger, so instead of escaping I welcomed the situation and did the following, I sat down, started relaxing my muscles as much as I could while doing the technique called "mindfulness", which is basically looking around and noticing objects: the pole, the tree, billboard, and so on. My heart was still pounding, I noticed that and allowed it to pound, letting my thoughts flow past the concern, concentrating on the present moment and breathing. Slowly I stopped noticing my pounding heart, the head stopped spinning, my thoughts became clear, the panic was gone. I still felt somewhat uneasy and vulnerable, but I was quite safe (you never fill safe after smoking pot anyway).

Now to the so called "high". I guess this isn't "high" to me anymore. I had vertigo before from smoking pot, I felt insecure and vulnerable too, so the physical part was right there. But the emotional... I figured, since I experienced such weird and strong, and unrelenting emotions during my acute panic attacks, this doesn't surprise me anymore. I found myself joking and giggling like in the past, but my mind was crystal clear, and it was just sitting aside looking at myself, not really understanding what it was before that I liked so much about smoking pot. I quickly found the reason to relax and enjoy myself: I was able to smoke pot and I thought I would never do it again, I knew it could lead to unpleasant feelings, I felt those unpleasant feelings for a very short time, I was able to quickly shake off what could have been a panic attack, I was able to somewhat enjoy the feeling, in other words, I was alive, I was me, I proved to myself I can do it. And now my confidence is a bit higher than yesterday.

One of my first conclusions about suffering from panic attacks was, that my personal space is shrinking. I'm unable to perform activities which were never a problem. My confidence was at all time low. One of the means to regain this confidence was to start doing things and overcoming fear and anxiety. If going to shopping mall drives you crazy do it enough times until your brain learns it can deal with it. Driving far can be a torture, even 20-30 minutes drive can be excruciating, but do it anyways, prove to yourself that nothing bad happens, and even if something bad happens, remember, it's not likely going to be worse than your worst attack, it simply cannot get worse without you fearing it could. Keep benzos in your pocket and know that you always have means to escape with the help of this pill. That thought alone will help you to get through by yourself, with your mind as the only weapon. And after the fact, when you look back at what you've done, you'll feel a great sense of accomplishment, which will help you fight that nasty depression which keeps knocking at your door.

Build up courage, build up confidence, help your nerves to desensitize and become stronger and more resilient. Live your life, enjoy it, and be happy!

The Art and Panic

This is a long weekend and I wanted to talk about something a little bit different. Not completely different, about the art and entertainment for somebody who suffers from panic and anxiety. After all those feelings are common to all people, it's just some of us are more prone to experience those attacks, others have poor heart, somebody else gets cold easier than anybody we know. It's interesting that some artists and their art may provoke uneasy feelings and associations, than later you learn that those people are somewhat mentally unstable, or lead very outrageous lifestyles, or may be involved in substance abuse, or all of the above together. It is fascinating, as I believe we are all driven not only towards safe and fluffy things live, but some of us may consciously or subconsciously be attracted to self-destructive behavior. Too much worry is too a self destructive behavior, and after going through my breakdown I better understand, why some people choose to destroy their health, and how scary it is when they realized how harmful their lifestyle becomes.

I'll start from movies. I found some subjects are more suitable, some less suitable, and others almost dangerous to somebody who suffers from anxiety attacks. The main reason  we should be careful with choosing what to experience while our nervous system is recuperating is that overly sensitized mind may get overstimulated with even slightly disturbing images, dialogues and music. Movies and TV programs are very passive entertainment, we seat in a cozy chair and are being fed from the spoon by some outlandish individual whatever was on his mind when he or she created the movie or TV show. I was always interested what drives an individual while creating. More often than not it's some kind of McDonald's way of serving the lowest denominator product which suits the majority. It is mediocre enough to please the masses. Of course such product is of little interest to active mind, and it's usually active, creative minds  which get into anxiety and panic troubles, as vivid imagination and brooding create very unpleasant images and spooks us fiercely. Lars Von Trier is Danish film director who has the whole closet of problems: phobias, anxiety attacks, panics and depression. His fear of flying prevents him from filming anywhere but Denmark and Sweden, he prefers driving, which gives me an idea he is simply phobic, and doesn't suffer from panic attacks on a daily basis, that' I guess is the reason for him to be relatively active when not depressed. It was his movie "Breaking The Waves" I watched when I had my very first panic attack. Say what you want but maybe I somehow was able to receive subliminal message. The movie is very sad and absolutely should be avoided by anyone who is prone to panics and depression. In a hindsight I think its the enormous feeling of despair which causes such acute reaction. The way Lars conveys the story is so hopeless, desperate and gloomy its heartbreaking. I didn't watch the rest of his movies, simply because I'm afraid. Call it a phobia if you will, but these kind of movies are certainly not for me anymore, not until I feel cerebral enough to go through emotional torture like this.

But all is not completely hopeless. There are surprisingly safe movies which are very weird, alternative, low budget and even gross. I'm talking about John Waters movies. Thank God for John Waters, I mean it. He is one of the most controversial movie directors of our time, made his name by filming Pink Flamingos for meager 12 thousand dollars. This movie is full of violence, psychotic behavior, and has one especially outrageous scene in the end (I wont spoil it for people who didn't see the movie), but it's not disturbing! For some inexplicable reason those gross, violent, shocking images do not harm. I think the main reason is the very childish point of view taken by director, it's really not serious, overly grotesque, and eccentric. The movie doesn't have any reason, any meaning, any idea, any subliminal message. The only purpose it serves - to entertain, and entertain it does. When I think about why I was able to enjoy Pink Flamingos and Desperate Living while I couldn't even stand Real Housewives, which my wife would watch in the evening, I think of only one reason, I was not associating myself with any of John Waters characters, I could draw very distinctive line between myself and what's happening on screen.

Now let's get to the music. I listen to a lot of music, and my taste has always been for strange, bizarre and hardly accessible music. When I was younger I liked aggressive post-industrial acts, and still do, as my favorite bands include Skinny Puppy, Coil, Ministry, KMFDM, some EBM bands from Europe and UK, and modern IDM  acts like Venetian Snares. This is where I felt the misery. Most of the bands in my collection make music which is very disturbing, the subjects revolve around very unpleasant matters, so I was completely unable to listen to my favorite bands which used to sooth me before, as I would drift through my thoughts with some apocalyptic soundtrack blasting in my headphones. Not anymore, loud, harsh noises began to spook me, I would cringe from the inexplicable pressure and a feeling of insecurity the moment I heard familiar song. As someone acquainted with electronic music of 80's I decided to switch to something calmer and less aggressive, this is when I started to listen to new wave, synthpop and even HiNRG, which I always liked, but never paid too much attention. As harmless as it may seem sonically, synthpop songs are touching quite depressive subjects and often are very sad, new wave even more so, but I've noticed a very interesting thing, I felt more depressed when I listened to British bands, and much less so when I listened to French ones. I never quite liked French pop, but during this time it was the right thing for me, the music was so much more upbeat and hopeful. Maybe it's because I don't speak French, who knows what are they singing about, but sonically it is so much happier and light. As for classical music, baroque worked great, and surprisingly French composers, especially one whose name escapes me right now worked better than others. So again, take it for what it is, French music does lift the mood, and is more suitable for nervously ill person. Of course by now when I can enjoy my favorite bands again, and even went to my first concert since having attack, when Download was in town, I don't listen to French pop anymore.

Books are an interesting subject. I remember vividly how I tried to read during those seemingly endless sleepless nights when I simply could not fall asleep. My problem was I feared I will stop breathing in my sleep, sometimes I would wake up from the feeling that I was drowning, as I would gulp and seat on my bad with pounding heart. This is when I'd take my book and try to read. I was trying to finish the one by Chris Connelly, the former lead singer of the band Revolting Cock and many other projects. It is very interesting and fascinating book describing his adventures during his time spent touring with different bands like Ministry, Revolting Cocks and Pigface. Naturally his story revolves constantly around different drugs he and his friends would take in various forms and ways before, after and during the shows. I felt like it was me doing all those drugs, that's how exhausted, baffled and lost I felt after reading this book. My imagination plaid a dangerous trick on me, I wouldn't get sleepy, and after putting the book away I'd have images running in front of my eyes and  my mind would go loops in imaginary dialogues. Sometimes I would dream in half sleep trying to explain to myself why I won't be able to sleep in particular situation, and the theme of this dream would incorporate something I read in a book.

I tried some spiritual books, but that didn't work either, as I would get afraid even thinking of those subjects. But, as usual, the road to mental health is just around the corner!  There is one ultimate book which I would advise everyone to read. And not only before going to sleep, this book is so good it will help you to cut the suffering a lot, as it really gives the right tools. Unfortunately I discovered this book not early enough. The title is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. It's relatively old, predates the modern terminology, but talks about anxiety and panic attacks. Read this book before going to sleep, it will help a lot. Sometimes I would feel great relief by just looking at it. Imagine your own, personal psychologist at your immediate reach when you need him. This is how great this books is.


As a conclusion I would like to mention, that it is important to give your tired, disturbed mind a rest, give it a chance to recuperate, gather strength to sustain day to day life. Do not overload it with stimulus, you never know when it's too much, one more song may trigger an unpleasant attack. Avoid violence, avoid brooding depressive subjects, opt for something hopeful, for something as far from you as possible, and try not to get to much immersed in what you watch, listen or read, be prepared that you might not be able to enjoy what you liked before. Remember, there is enough entertainment for every taste, mood, or condition, you'll find something that pleases you.
 

Antidepressants

At first I was thinking I should talk about antidepressants in my previous blog entry ("Sedatives", which was supposed to be called differently), but than I realized that I should divide the subject of medication help into two. Than I realized that not only pills help with sedation or depression. So the first division talks about sedatives - means to calm down and help stave off and moderate the attacks, the second division is about antidepressants, and this group doesn't include only pills either.

When suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, bad mood is one of those side effects, which isn't very important when the illness begins, but becomes an issue when it progresses. The main reason is that the attacks themselves are less and less frightening, the feelings are more and more subdued, as we adapt to our new condition, try to cope, live with it and accept it. Those are very right things to happen, as the less we are sensitized about the anxiety and panic attack, the more we avoid acute ones, and the more we are giving our nerves a chance to rest and recuperate. The depression snicks in during minutes of despair, during hours of dwelling, during endless research of the condition and sad realization that there is some hidden power in our body preventing us from living our normal life, from being happy, content and hopeful. It's especially bad after setbacks, when we think that the attacks left for good just to strike with new vengeance and ruthlessness. Some of the attacks may be brought by extremely depressive thoughts, since being tired and sensitized we tend to get upset much easier than before.

Doctors like to prescribe antidepressants, especially the group responsible for regulating serotonin intake by the brain. There were some studies showing those pills are helpful and they indeed are. Not for everybody, some people, like me have resistance to them. In my case I could not tolerate antidepressant drug, I felt so much worse taking it, when I stopped, I was able to look at my condition with new eyes. I realized that it wasn't so bad after all, and that I was able to cope better in an absence of those pills. So in a ironic way antidepressants helped me to progress by actually making me feel worse. Apart from expected side effects like increased anxiety and agitation, I felt some of the symptoms listed in drug pamphlet as dangerous and requiring immediate attention. From what I understood I may have suffered from serotonin syndrome, but my doctor never told me it was that, anyways, I felt like losing my concentration, I struggled with simple tasks (sorting socks in laundry basket seemed like solving complex differential equations), and being generally quite smart with quick reaction and sharp thinking I was overwhelmed. On top of it, the agitation was too much, I got tremors, sweating and couldn't sleep at all. As a sleep aid my doctor gave me another antidepressant, from different group in a dosage when it's considered sedative, and I could sleep no more than 2-3 hours in a row experiencing heat waves at night and grogginess in the morning. I was dehydrated and drank so much water my lips cracked (it was during winter). I had to stop both pills and it took me about two weeks to return to the way I felt before starting them.

Antidepressant pills are very complicated synthetic formulas, they intended to affect the brain, one of the least understood and the most complex organ in our bodies. There are much more simple and safe ways to improve your mood and I should talk about them too. You'll have to realize that those ways require more effort from you than just popping the pill out of bottle and taking it with a gulp of water. It is proven by scientific research that aerobic activity may very well substitute the drugs. It is advised to have such uncompetitive activity for at least 10 minutes a day. The simplest form is running or walking fast, but anything that increases the pulse to about 120-130 beats per minutes should do. To help you with that try exercising on a tread mill, some of them can measure your pulse and you'll know how you are supposed to feel during such exercise. Doing it regularly you'll notice that the mood improves dramatically, but one caution should  be taken anyway. One of my triggers for anxiety attack was the chocking, I would feel like I cannot breath and fear I'll stop breathing. So when the heart rate increases and I start breathing more frequently this feeling is right there. So for me it was always a hard time to relax after such exercise, but after my breath normalized I would feel much better. If you think there is no time for fast pace walking or running, think again. If you have to commute to work, walk fast to your train or bus, walk instead of taking a subway. For example you can always get off the bus one stop or two before you normally do and walk the rest. You'll see that it's easy to include such exercise into your daily routine. If you commute by car, leave your car two or three blocks away, walk or run on your lunch break. I've noticed that bike commuters generally are more upbeat at work than driving colleagues, it must be an exercise improving their mood, making them happier people.

Yoga is one of the best exercises, and it is a great way to improve your mood. It is also may become your new way of life, interesting and rewarding hobby, your friend and companion. Doing yoga in group may help to make new friends, and many people come to yoga because they had various health issues, so there is a good chance you can meet people who once suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. Apart from being a key component in relaxation and mindfulness technique, it is very rewarding activity. Notice how better you can stretch each time, how better becomes your control over breathing, how more resilient your mind becomes while coping with comfortable discomfort of your yoga routine. Yoga allows you to massage your internal organs, back bends and twists are especially good at that. As a matter of fact you can emphasize poses which work on kidney's a area of your body which basically helps to normalize the functioning of adrenal glands, which are partly responsible for excessive adrenalin in your body. Other poses help with lightheadedness and other symptoms. Do yoga in group, under supervision of experienced yoga trainer, the benefits are endless, and enjoyment is guaranteed.

Laughter is another great way to improve mood, but admittedly its very hard to laugh when sad thoughts are overwhelming. One other problem is when our nerves are extremely sensitized it is very hard to cope under even slight stimulation such as an episode of favorite comedy show. Give it a try, it's best to watch your absolutely favorite comedy, something that always made you laugh, something with good association. From my experience I found that American shows work better, as they are usually very up-beat, not complicated, light and easily digestible. British shows are not exactly helpful, while they are usually wittier, sharper and more rich compared with their American counterparts, the subjects they use may be disturbing, the scenes are long and require thought and concentration (two things which are penalizing our tired brain) and sets sometimes claustrophobic. So put away your favorite copy of Holy Grail, watch a teen comedy, you'll be able to enjoy IT Crowd and even Mighty Boosh when you feel better.

Sedatives

When the panic strikes, it's in our hands to overcome it. As a matter of fact, nothing is needed to overcome it, it will pass by itself. The only thing in our control is how exactly it will develop. The rule of thumb is not to fight it, and not to flight it, although that's exactly the natural reaction. It's flight or fight response our body dictates us, and it's hard to change the mind set to let it go, surrender and wait it out. In the beginning attacks are very acute, because we are new to this feeling, so we need some help. Also, it's very important not to stress further our already tired and sensitized nervous system, not to stretch it further creating unnecessary suffering.

To help our body and brain it's good to use sedatives. The very first drug you'll most likely get from your doctor is some kind of benzodiazepine. Those drugs are quite old, and we are considerably lucky to get modern versions, but in essence it's the same old barbiturates which helped people to overcome anxiety and stave epileptic seizures for  more than a century. They are very powerful and do great job helping in acute anxiety attacks. The effect us very quick, after only minute or two after administering the drug there is a massive relief, the sanity comes back and you left to wonder why you had the panic attack in a first place.

Xanax and Lorazepam are usual suspects when you talk to people who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Those drugs are very dangerous and addictive, they help really well in the beginning, but our body gets used to them relatively quick, thus we may develop addiction, the withdrawal symptoms are exactly those we try to beat - anxiety and agitation, but it's not the biggest risk. Those drugs are extremely depressive, and depression is usually coming during nervous illness even without any helpers. Our tired mind soon becomes despaired and hopeless in a fight against the condition, and depressive qualities of benzodiazepines help to spiral sufferer into depression quicker, and keep him depressed longer. It's good to know that the same drugs are used to help people suffering from epilepsy, one of more famous of such people was a lead singer of Joy Division - Ian Curtis. One of the reasons he became so depressed is the side effect of anticonvulsants  he was prescribed. Remember, although those drugs bring immediate relief and are extremely effective in the beginning, these are false path, they represent flight, they are not cure.

Sleep aids tend to help in more subtle and less pronounced way. Simple Gravol tablets may help to get much needed sleep, the only true cure against attacks. Giving your body and brain much needed rest is very important, and those simple sedatives help. Unfortunately they are very basic, taking them regularly is ineffective, so take them only when unable to sleep. Anxiolitics (Xanax and Lorazepam) will also put you to sleep, but as we concluded, they are only for acute cases, don't waste their precious power and cause your body to resist them for treating insomnia.

Sleepy time teas. Don't expect any wonders from herbal teas. First of all they are tonics, which means you have to drink those teas for a period of time to get desired effect, but it's worth it. Besides their calming and soothing influence, they'll make you following routine, which in turn makes you sleep better. So drink sleepy time teas as much as you want. I personally found that drinking those teas helps to shorten attacks and makes it easier to wait them out without fighting. The teas which are commercially available are not very potent, so it's worth considering making your own mix. A very simple such mix is the one of dried hops and chamomile. Use five parts of chamomile to one part of dried hops, take one table spoon of the mixture for one cup and steep it for 10-15 minutes. Be careful not to get carried away with hops.

Sedative herbs are probably the best way to help your body to rest from constant state of anxiety. Talk to your naturopath, those doctors practice traditional Chinese medicine. They will know everything about western medicine drugs, and they know the power of herbs. The great thing about herbs - they are naturally occurring, there is no need to synthesize them. They usually work in a gentle non-invasive way and have limited side effects. Don't be discouraged by lack of "evidence" from scientific studies, let yourself rely on the thousands years of experience and practice of traditional Chinese medicine. The other great thing is naturopathic doctor will change formula and adopt it to your specific needs, something pills can never achieve, the only lever we have while dealing with pills - is a dosage. With herbs it's much more flexible, subtle and at the end more beneficial.  All that said, remember that herbs on their own are not the cure, they are mere helpers, the illness comes from our mind, and our mind alone is the one responsible to cure it.

Relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, yoga, qi-gong and prayer are our true helpers and cures from anxiety attacks. Relaxing our body and mind, training ourselves to be at the present moment, not to dwell on the past, not to +cringe in anticipation of the future, is the key to recovery. Mentioned above exercises teach us to do that, I'll talk about them in my next entry. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy

The first thing we do if we feel bad is going to see a doctor. Anxiety and panic attacks isn't exception, but in some way it is. The illness manifests itself in strong physical sensations which scare the sufferer and make him believe something is terribly wrong with his heart or stomach, but it's all in a head after all. If you are reading this blog, you are probably already sure there is nothing physically wrong with you, but if you just had a panic attack, and not sure about your general health, please go to your family physician and do a check up. It's important to know that all your physical sensations are not coming from real problem with internal organs, but caused by excessive adrenalin.

You should seek the advice from your family practitioner, but be very careful with what you say to him or her. You may tend to unintentionally exaggerate what's happening in your head just because you are overly sensitized, and everything in your mind is blown out of proportion. The only thing you want to know visiting your family doctor the first time is that there is nothing wrong physically, if it is so, that means you've had a panic attack, and in this case, physician is of little help, the doctor you need is a psychologist. Nervous illness is conceived by your mind, and it can be beaten by your mind only. Antidepressants, anxiolytic drugs, and sedatives are  there to help you, but they won't do the job for you, you'll need to change in order to beat those attacks, it's very hard to get on the path required to desensitize your nerves, but unless you do it, there is little to be achieved by Xanax or Cipralex.

The most important thing to do if you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks is to seek the advice of experienced psychologist, who preferably is specializing in treating such disorders. This specialist knows about the illness a lot more than family physician, he will ask the right questions, he'll know what you feel, he'll try to dig out all those skeletons from your closet which caused the stress to mount in a first place. You will learn a great deal about what's happening to you, and you'll start to teach yourself how to avoid the escalation of fear. One thing to remember, the fear is born in your head, it's the reaction to strange feelings which are brought upon by your over sensitized body, by confused and tired brain. The process of understanding and learning is the beginning of Cognitive behavioral therapy, which is going to give you all tools necessary to beat the illness. But make no mistake, the process will take time, try to be patient, don't despair, although  the patience is probably the hardest thing to ask from the sufferer. When I started my therapy I was so bad, I couldn't tolerate any wait. Standing in line, waiting for a doctor, attending group meetings at work was a torture. With the time it will become much easier, trust me. It's always worth to remember that thing may get worse before they get better, please don't despair, by loosing hope you prolong the illness and make road for more disturbing thoughts, panic attacks and bad mood.

I was lucky to have very experienced social worker providing cognitive behavioral therapy. She was able to make me feel comfortable with who am I, she helped me to solve many problems which tortured me for years, she helped me with understanding of how to change my attitude towards myself, and life in general. Overall it was very positive and fruitful relationship which gave me a lot, and made me understand many things. I have to admit, if I wasn't suffering from my condition, I would probably benefit much less from what came as a side effect of my therapy. The illness taught me two things I lacked before - patience and ability to listen. At the end I know I'm  becoming a better person, I'm finding new path, I feel more confident, more secure, and more self sufficient than before.