The Art and Panic

This is a long weekend and I wanted to talk about something a little bit different. Not completely different, about the art and entertainment for somebody who suffers from panic and anxiety. After all those feelings are common to all people, it's just some of us are more prone to experience those attacks, others have poor heart, somebody else gets cold easier than anybody we know. It's interesting that some artists and their art may provoke uneasy feelings and associations, than later you learn that those people are somewhat mentally unstable, or lead very outrageous lifestyles, or may be involved in substance abuse, or all of the above together. It is fascinating, as I believe we are all driven not only towards safe and fluffy things live, but some of us may consciously or subconsciously be attracted to self-destructive behavior. Too much worry is too a self destructive behavior, and after going through my breakdown I better understand, why some people choose to destroy their health, and how scary it is when they realized how harmful their lifestyle becomes.

I'll start from movies. I found some subjects are more suitable, some less suitable, and others almost dangerous to somebody who suffers from anxiety attacks. The main reason  we should be careful with choosing what to experience while our nervous system is recuperating is that overly sensitized mind may get overstimulated with even slightly disturbing images, dialogues and music. Movies and TV programs are very passive entertainment, we seat in a cozy chair and are being fed from the spoon by some outlandish individual whatever was on his mind when he or she created the movie or TV show. I was always interested what drives an individual while creating. More often than not it's some kind of McDonald's way of serving the lowest denominator product which suits the majority. It is mediocre enough to please the masses. Of course such product is of little interest to active mind, and it's usually active, creative minds  which get into anxiety and panic troubles, as vivid imagination and brooding create very unpleasant images and spooks us fiercely. Lars Von Trier is Danish film director who has the whole closet of problems: phobias, anxiety attacks, panics and depression. His fear of flying prevents him from filming anywhere but Denmark and Sweden, he prefers driving, which gives me an idea he is simply phobic, and doesn't suffer from panic attacks on a daily basis, that' I guess is the reason for him to be relatively active when not depressed. It was his movie "Breaking The Waves" I watched when I had my very first panic attack. Say what you want but maybe I somehow was able to receive subliminal message. The movie is very sad and absolutely should be avoided by anyone who is prone to panics and depression. In a hindsight I think its the enormous feeling of despair which causes such acute reaction. The way Lars conveys the story is so hopeless, desperate and gloomy its heartbreaking. I didn't watch the rest of his movies, simply because I'm afraid. Call it a phobia if you will, but these kind of movies are certainly not for me anymore, not until I feel cerebral enough to go through emotional torture like this.

But all is not completely hopeless. There are surprisingly safe movies which are very weird, alternative, low budget and even gross. I'm talking about John Waters movies. Thank God for John Waters, I mean it. He is one of the most controversial movie directors of our time, made his name by filming Pink Flamingos for meager 12 thousand dollars. This movie is full of violence, psychotic behavior, and has one especially outrageous scene in the end (I wont spoil it for people who didn't see the movie), but it's not disturbing! For some inexplicable reason those gross, violent, shocking images do not harm. I think the main reason is the very childish point of view taken by director, it's really not serious, overly grotesque, and eccentric. The movie doesn't have any reason, any meaning, any idea, any subliminal message. The only purpose it serves - to entertain, and entertain it does. When I think about why I was able to enjoy Pink Flamingos and Desperate Living while I couldn't even stand Real Housewives, which my wife would watch in the evening, I think of only one reason, I was not associating myself with any of John Waters characters, I could draw very distinctive line between myself and what's happening on screen.

Now let's get to the music. I listen to a lot of music, and my taste has always been for strange, bizarre and hardly accessible music. When I was younger I liked aggressive post-industrial acts, and still do, as my favorite bands include Skinny Puppy, Coil, Ministry, KMFDM, some EBM bands from Europe and UK, and modern IDM  acts like Venetian Snares. This is where I felt the misery. Most of the bands in my collection make music which is very disturbing, the subjects revolve around very unpleasant matters, so I was completely unable to listen to my favorite bands which used to sooth me before, as I would drift through my thoughts with some apocalyptic soundtrack blasting in my headphones. Not anymore, loud, harsh noises began to spook me, I would cringe from the inexplicable pressure and a feeling of insecurity the moment I heard familiar song. As someone acquainted with electronic music of 80's I decided to switch to something calmer and less aggressive, this is when I started to listen to new wave, synthpop and even HiNRG, which I always liked, but never paid too much attention. As harmless as it may seem sonically, synthpop songs are touching quite depressive subjects and often are very sad, new wave even more so, but I've noticed a very interesting thing, I felt more depressed when I listened to British bands, and much less so when I listened to French ones. I never quite liked French pop, but during this time it was the right thing for me, the music was so much more upbeat and hopeful. Maybe it's because I don't speak French, who knows what are they singing about, but sonically it is so much happier and light. As for classical music, baroque worked great, and surprisingly French composers, especially one whose name escapes me right now worked better than others. So again, take it for what it is, French music does lift the mood, and is more suitable for nervously ill person. Of course by now when I can enjoy my favorite bands again, and even went to my first concert since having attack, when Download was in town, I don't listen to French pop anymore.

Books are an interesting subject. I remember vividly how I tried to read during those seemingly endless sleepless nights when I simply could not fall asleep. My problem was I feared I will stop breathing in my sleep, sometimes I would wake up from the feeling that I was drowning, as I would gulp and seat on my bad with pounding heart. This is when I'd take my book and try to read. I was trying to finish the one by Chris Connelly, the former lead singer of the band Revolting Cock and many other projects. It is very interesting and fascinating book describing his adventures during his time spent touring with different bands like Ministry, Revolting Cocks and Pigface. Naturally his story revolves constantly around different drugs he and his friends would take in various forms and ways before, after and during the shows. I felt like it was me doing all those drugs, that's how exhausted, baffled and lost I felt after reading this book. My imagination plaid a dangerous trick on me, I wouldn't get sleepy, and after putting the book away I'd have images running in front of my eyes and  my mind would go loops in imaginary dialogues. Sometimes I would dream in half sleep trying to explain to myself why I won't be able to sleep in particular situation, and the theme of this dream would incorporate something I read in a book.

I tried some spiritual books, but that didn't work either, as I would get afraid even thinking of those subjects. But, as usual, the road to mental health is just around the corner!  There is one ultimate book which I would advise everyone to read. And not only before going to sleep, this book is so good it will help you to cut the suffering a lot, as it really gives the right tools. Unfortunately I discovered this book not early enough. The title is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. It's relatively old, predates the modern terminology, but talks about anxiety and panic attacks. Read this book before going to sleep, it will help a lot. Sometimes I would feel great relief by just looking at it. Imagine your own, personal psychologist at your immediate reach when you need him. This is how great this books is.


As a conclusion I would like to mention, that it is important to give your tired, disturbed mind a rest, give it a chance to recuperate, gather strength to sustain day to day life. Do not overload it with stimulus, you never know when it's too much, one more song may trigger an unpleasant attack. Avoid violence, avoid brooding depressive subjects, opt for something hopeful, for something as far from you as possible, and try not to get to much immersed in what you watch, listen or read, be prepared that you might not be able to enjoy what you liked before. Remember, there is enough entertainment for every taste, mood, or condition, you'll find something that pleases you.