Pot and confidence

One of the tough questions I ask myself during the course of those months, I'm going through adapting to my new self - can I still have fun with friends? Can I be social? The thing is I never was too happy to join a big company, I was always happy to have fun on my own, alone, or in a very small company. Chatting with the friend, meeting a girl, gathering three or five close friends to smoke pot or drink a lot, it was always fun for me. Going out to discotheque, crowded pub, or anything like that didn't really feel good. I would always be somewhat tense and uncomfortable, trying to escape.

I found out that I can still be in a company of friends, although it became tougher for me to have fun. My self apprehension is picking up, and I end up thinking about myself, about possible embarrassment due to having panic attack in a public place. I don't want my friends to see me vulnerable, and by doing so I fill tension, and tension brings anxiety. I can fairly say one thing for now. I do not enjoy company of my friends, I never look forward those gatherings, but with the time I see how I'm regaining the ability to relax in a company and forget myself, so sometimes I actually do have fun! Things are getting better in general, as my self confidence is growing, and my brain learns it can handle many situations. I can easily shop nowadays, and only three or four months ago it was very hard for me to do. Same goes to long car trips, only four months ago I dreaded the thought of leaving my neighborhood, and now I can easily drive four hours straight, and even stop for coffee and doughnuts without fearing caffeine would cause me to panic.

So as I said with progression I feel more comfortable socially, having a chat, drinking beer, eating chicken wings is not frightening to me anymore. This time though my old friend asked me if I want to smoke pot. I smoked pot before, never did it regularly, but occasionally I enjoyed it very much, it was always relaxing and fun. Now, it is known that some people may have panic attacks from smoking pot, and I'm being aware of this still decided to go ahead, smoke a little and see what I feel. At first I didn't feel much, but slowly I started to feel the familiar effects. I noticed how fear of something bad was slowly getting into me, any unpleasant topic of conversation felt like a danger. At this particular moment I had very unpleasant vertigo sensation, short, but quite tense. It was one of those so called "first" fears. The one that could easily trigger panic attack. I realized it right away, tried not to notice it, but by escaping and ignoring it I only made the fear stronger, so instead of escaping I welcomed the situation and did the following, I sat down, started relaxing my muscles as much as I could while doing the technique called "mindfulness", which is basically looking around and noticing objects: the pole, the tree, billboard, and so on. My heart was still pounding, I noticed that and allowed it to pound, letting my thoughts flow past the concern, concentrating on the present moment and breathing. Slowly I stopped noticing my pounding heart, the head stopped spinning, my thoughts became clear, the panic was gone. I still felt somewhat uneasy and vulnerable, but I was quite safe (you never fill safe after smoking pot anyway).

Now to the so called "high". I guess this isn't "high" to me anymore. I had vertigo before from smoking pot, I felt insecure and vulnerable too, so the physical part was right there. But the emotional... I figured, since I experienced such weird and strong, and unrelenting emotions during my acute panic attacks, this doesn't surprise me anymore. I found myself joking and giggling like in the past, but my mind was crystal clear, and it was just sitting aside looking at myself, not really understanding what it was before that I liked so much about smoking pot. I quickly found the reason to relax and enjoy myself: I was able to smoke pot and I thought I would never do it again, I knew it could lead to unpleasant feelings, I felt those unpleasant feelings for a very short time, I was able to quickly shake off what could have been a panic attack, I was able to somewhat enjoy the feeling, in other words, I was alive, I was me, I proved to myself I can do it. And now my confidence is a bit higher than yesterday.

One of my first conclusions about suffering from panic attacks was, that my personal space is shrinking. I'm unable to perform activities which were never a problem. My confidence was at all time low. One of the means to regain this confidence was to start doing things and overcoming fear and anxiety. If going to shopping mall drives you crazy do it enough times until your brain learns it can deal with it. Driving far can be a torture, even 20-30 minutes drive can be excruciating, but do it anyways, prove to yourself that nothing bad happens, and even if something bad happens, remember, it's not likely going to be worse than your worst attack, it simply cannot get worse without you fearing it could. Keep benzos in your pocket and know that you always have means to escape with the help of this pill. That thought alone will help you to get through by yourself, with your mind as the only weapon. And after the fact, when you look back at what you've done, you'll feel a great sense of accomplishment, which will help you fight that nasty depression which keeps knocking at your door.

Build up courage, build up confidence, help your nerves to desensitize and become stronger and more resilient. Live your life, enjoy it, and be happy!