One of the tough questions I ask myself during the course of those months, I'm going through adapting to my new self - can I still have fun with friends? Can I be social? The thing is I never was too happy to join a big company, I was always happy to have fun on my own, alone, or in a very small company. Chatting with the friend, meeting a girl, gathering three or five close friends to smoke pot or drink a lot, it was always fun for me. Going out to discotheque, crowded pub, or anything like that didn't really feel good. I would always be somewhat tense and uncomfortable, trying to escape.
I found out that I can still be in a company of friends, although it became tougher for me to have fun. My self apprehension is picking up, and I end up thinking about myself, about possible embarrassment due to having panic attack in a public place. I don't want my friends to see me vulnerable, and by doing so I fill tension, and tension brings anxiety. I can fairly say one thing for now. I do not enjoy company of my friends, I never look forward those gatherings, but with the time I see how I'm regaining the ability to relax in a company and forget myself, so sometimes I actually do have fun! Things are getting better in general, as my self confidence is growing, and my brain learns it can handle many situations. I can easily shop nowadays, and only three or four months ago it was very hard for me to do. Same goes to long car trips, only four months ago I dreaded the thought of leaving my neighborhood, and now I can easily drive four hours straight, and even stop for coffee and doughnuts without fearing caffeine would cause me to panic.
So as I said with progression I feel more comfortable socially, having a chat, drinking beer, eating chicken wings is not frightening to me anymore. This time though my old friend asked me if I want to smoke pot. I smoked pot before, never did it regularly, but occasionally I enjoyed it very much, it was always relaxing and fun. Now, it is known that some people may have panic attacks from smoking pot, and I'm being aware of this still decided to go ahead, smoke a little and see what I feel. At first I didn't feel much, but slowly I started to feel the familiar effects. I noticed how fear of something bad was slowly getting into me, any unpleasant topic of conversation felt like a danger. At this particular moment I had very unpleasant vertigo sensation, short, but quite tense. It was one of those so called "first" fears. The one that could easily trigger panic attack. I realized it right away, tried not to notice it, but by escaping and ignoring it I only made the fear stronger, so instead of escaping I welcomed the situation and did the following, I sat down, started relaxing my muscles as much as I could while doing the technique called "mindfulness", which is basically looking around and noticing objects: the pole, the tree, billboard, and so on. My heart was still pounding, I noticed that and allowed it to pound, letting my thoughts flow past the concern, concentrating on the present moment and breathing. Slowly I stopped noticing my pounding heart, the head stopped spinning, my thoughts became clear, the panic was gone. I still felt somewhat uneasy and vulnerable, but I was quite safe (you never fill safe after smoking pot anyway).
Now to the so called "high". I guess this isn't "high" to me anymore. I had vertigo before from smoking pot, I felt insecure and vulnerable too, so the physical part was right there. But the emotional... I figured, since I experienced such weird and strong, and unrelenting emotions during my acute panic attacks, this doesn't surprise me anymore. I found myself joking and giggling like in the past, but my mind was crystal clear, and it was just sitting aside looking at myself, not really understanding what it was before that I liked so much about smoking pot. I quickly found the reason to relax and enjoy myself: I was able to smoke pot and I thought I would never do it again, I knew it could lead to unpleasant feelings, I felt those unpleasant feelings for a very short time, I was able to quickly shake off what could have been a panic attack, I was able to somewhat enjoy the feeling, in other words, I was alive, I was me, I proved to myself I can do it. And now my confidence is a bit higher than yesterday.
One of my first conclusions about suffering from panic attacks was, that my personal space is shrinking. I'm unable to perform activities which were never a problem. My confidence was at all time low. One of the means to regain this confidence was to start doing things and overcoming fear and anxiety. If going to shopping mall drives you crazy do it enough times until your brain learns it can deal with it. Driving far can be a torture, even 20-30 minutes drive can be excruciating, but do it anyways, prove to yourself that nothing bad happens, and even if something bad happens, remember, it's not likely going to be worse than your worst attack, it simply cannot get worse without you fearing it could. Keep benzos in your pocket and know that you always have means to escape with the help of this pill. That thought alone will help you to get through by yourself, with your mind as the only weapon. And after the fact, when you look back at what you've done, you'll feel a great sense of accomplishment, which will help you fight that nasty depression which keeps knocking at your door.
Build up courage, build up confidence, help your nerves to desensitize and become stronger and more resilient. Live your life, enjoy it, and be happy!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Art and Panic
This is a long weekend and I wanted to talk about something a little bit different. Not completely different, about the art and entertainment for somebody who suffers from panic and anxiety. After all those feelings are common to all people, it's just some of us are more prone to experience those attacks, others have poor heart, somebody else gets cold easier than anybody we know. It's interesting that some artists and their art may provoke uneasy feelings and associations, than later you learn that those people are somewhat mentally unstable, or lead very outrageous lifestyles, or may be involved in substance abuse, or all of the above together. It is fascinating, as I believe we are all driven not only towards safe and fluffy things live, but some of us may consciously or subconsciously be attracted to self-destructive behavior. Too much worry is too a self destructive behavior, and after going through my breakdown I better understand, why some people choose to destroy their health, and how scary it is when they realized how harmful their lifestyle becomes.
I'll start from movies. I found some subjects are more suitable, some less suitable, and others almost dangerous to somebody who suffers from anxiety attacks. The main reason we should be careful with choosing what to experience while our nervous system is recuperating is that overly sensitized mind may get overstimulated with even slightly disturbing images, dialogues and music. Movies and TV programs are very passive entertainment, we seat in a cozy chair and are being fed from the spoon by some outlandish individual whatever was on his mind when he or she created the movie or TV show. I was always interested what drives an individual while creating. More often than not it's some kind of McDonald's way of serving the lowest denominator product which suits the majority. It is mediocre enough to please the masses. Of course such product is of little interest to active mind, and it's usually active, creative minds which get into anxiety and panic troubles, as vivid imagination and brooding create very unpleasant images and spooks us fiercely. Lars Von Trier is Danish film director who has the whole closet of problems: phobias, anxiety attacks, panics and depression. His fear of flying prevents him from filming anywhere but Denmark and Sweden, he prefers driving, which gives me an idea he is simply phobic, and doesn't suffer from panic attacks on a daily basis, that' I guess is the reason for him to be relatively active when not depressed. It was his movie "Breaking The Waves" I watched when I had my very first panic attack. Say what you want but maybe I somehow was able to receive subliminal message. The movie is very sad and absolutely should be avoided by anyone who is prone to panics and depression. In a hindsight I think its the enormous feeling of despair which causes such acute reaction. The way Lars conveys the story is so hopeless, desperate and gloomy its heartbreaking. I didn't watch the rest of his movies, simply because I'm afraid. Call it a phobia if you will, but these kind of movies are certainly not for me anymore, not until I feel cerebral enough to go through emotional torture like this.
But all is not completely hopeless. There are surprisingly safe movies which are very weird, alternative, low budget and even gross. I'm talking about John Waters movies. Thank God for John Waters, I mean it. He is one of the most controversial movie directors of our time, made his name by filming Pink Flamingos for meager 12 thousand dollars. This movie is full of violence, psychotic behavior, and has one especially outrageous scene in the end (I wont spoil it for people who didn't see the movie), but it's not disturbing! For some inexplicable reason those gross, violent, shocking images do not harm. I think the main reason is the very childish point of view taken by director, it's really not serious, overly grotesque, and eccentric. The movie doesn't have any reason, any meaning, any idea, any subliminal message. The only purpose it serves - to entertain, and entertain it does. When I think about why I was able to enjoy Pink Flamingos and Desperate Living while I couldn't even stand Real Housewives, which my wife would watch in the evening, I think of only one reason, I was not associating myself with any of John Waters characters, I could draw very distinctive line between myself and what's happening on screen.
Now let's get to the music. I listen to a lot of music, and my taste has always been for strange, bizarre and hardly accessible music. When I was younger I liked aggressive post-industrial acts, and still do, as my favorite bands include Skinny Puppy, Coil, Ministry, KMFDM, some EBM bands from Europe and UK, and modern IDM acts like Venetian Snares. This is where I felt the misery. Most of the bands in my collection make music which is very disturbing, the subjects revolve around very unpleasant matters, so I was completely unable to listen to my favorite bands which used to sooth me before, as I would drift through my thoughts with some apocalyptic soundtrack blasting in my headphones. Not anymore, loud, harsh noises began to spook me, I would cringe from the inexplicable pressure and a feeling of insecurity the moment I heard familiar song. As someone acquainted with electronic music of 80's I decided to switch to something calmer and less aggressive, this is when I started to listen to new wave, synthpop and even HiNRG, which I always liked, but never paid too much attention. As harmless as it may seem sonically, synthpop songs are touching quite depressive subjects and often are very sad, new wave even more so, but I've noticed a very interesting thing, I felt more depressed when I listened to British bands, and much less so when I listened to French ones. I never quite liked French pop, but during this time it was the right thing for me, the music was so much more upbeat and hopeful. Maybe it's because I don't speak French, who knows what are they singing about, but sonically it is so much happier and light. As for classical music, baroque worked great, and surprisingly French composers, especially one whose name escapes me right now worked better than others. So again, take it for what it is, French music does lift the mood, and is more suitable for nervously ill person. Of course by now when I can enjoy my favorite bands again, and even went to my first concert since having attack, when Download was in town, I don't listen to French pop anymore.
Books are an interesting subject. I remember vividly how I tried to read during those seemingly endless sleepless nights when I simply could not fall asleep. My problem was I feared I will stop breathing in my sleep, sometimes I would wake up from the feeling that I was drowning, as I would gulp and seat on my bad with pounding heart. This is when I'd take my book and try to read. I was trying to finish the one by Chris Connelly, the former lead singer of the band Revolting Cock and many other projects. It is very interesting and fascinating book describing his adventures during his time spent touring with different bands like Ministry, Revolting Cocks and Pigface. Naturally his story revolves constantly around different drugs he and his friends would take in various forms and ways before, after and during the shows. I felt like it was me doing all those drugs, that's how exhausted, baffled and lost I felt after reading this book. My imagination plaid a dangerous trick on me, I wouldn't get sleepy, and after putting the book away I'd have images running in front of my eyes and my mind would go loops in imaginary dialogues. Sometimes I would dream in half sleep trying to explain to myself why I won't be able to sleep in particular situation, and the theme of this dream would incorporate something I read in a book.
I tried some spiritual books, but that didn't work either, as I would get afraid even thinking of those subjects. But, as usual, the road to mental health is just around the corner! There is one ultimate book which I would advise everyone to read. And not only before going to sleep, this book is so good it will help you to cut the suffering a lot, as it really gives the right tools. Unfortunately I discovered this book not early enough. The title is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. It's relatively old, predates the modern terminology, but talks about anxiety and panic attacks. Read this book before going to sleep, it will help a lot. Sometimes I would feel great relief by just looking at it. Imagine your own, personal psychologist at your immediate reach when you need him. This is how great this books is.
As a conclusion I would like to mention, that it is important to give your tired, disturbed mind a rest, give it a chance to recuperate, gather strength to sustain day to day life. Do not overload it with stimulus, you never know when it's too much, one more song may trigger an unpleasant attack. Avoid violence, avoid brooding depressive subjects, opt for something hopeful, for something as far from you as possible, and try not to get to much immersed in what you watch, listen or read, be prepared that you might not be able to enjoy what you liked before. Remember, there is enough entertainment for every taste, mood, or condition, you'll find something that pleases you.
I'll start from movies. I found some subjects are more suitable, some less suitable, and others almost dangerous to somebody who suffers from anxiety attacks. The main reason we should be careful with choosing what to experience while our nervous system is recuperating is that overly sensitized mind may get overstimulated with even slightly disturbing images, dialogues and music. Movies and TV programs are very passive entertainment, we seat in a cozy chair and are being fed from the spoon by some outlandish individual whatever was on his mind when he or she created the movie or TV show. I was always interested what drives an individual while creating. More often than not it's some kind of McDonald's way of serving the lowest denominator product which suits the majority. It is mediocre enough to please the masses. Of course such product is of little interest to active mind, and it's usually active, creative minds which get into anxiety and panic troubles, as vivid imagination and brooding create very unpleasant images and spooks us fiercely. Lars Von Trier is Danish film director who has the whole closet of problems: phobias, anxiety attacks, panics and depression. His fear of flying prevents him from filming anywhere but Denmark and Sweden, he prefers driving, which gives me an idea he is simply phobic, and doesn't suffer from panic attacks on a daily basis, that' I guess is the reason for him to be relatively active when not depressed. It was his movie "Breaking The Waves" I watched when I had my very first panic attack. Say what you want but maybe I somehow was able to receive subliminal message. The movie is very sad and absolutely should be avoided by anyone who is prone to panics and depression. In a hindsight I think its the enormous feeling of despair which causes such acute reaction. The way Lars conveys the story is so hopeless, desperate and gloomy its heartbreaking. I didn't watch the rest of his movies, simply because I'm afraid. Call it a phobia if you will, but these kind of movies are certainly not for me anymore, not until I feel cerebral enough to go through emotional torture like this.
But all is not completely hopeless. There are surprisingly safe movies which are very weird, alternative, low budget and even gross. I'm talking about John Waters movies. Thank God for John Waters, I mean it. He is one of the most controversial movie directors of our time, made his name by filming Pink Flamingos for meager 12 thousand dollars. This movie is full of violence, psychotic behavior, and has one especially outrageous scene in the end (I wont spoil it for people who didn't see the movie), but it's not disturbing! For some inexplicable reason those gross, violent, shocking images do not harm. I think the main reason is the very childish point of view taken by director, it's really not serious, overly grotesque, and eccentric. The movie doesn't have any reason, any meaning, any idea, any subliminal message. The only purpose it serves - to entertain, and entertain it does. When I think about why I was able to enjoy Pink Flamingos and Desperate Living while I couldn't even stand Real Housewives, which my wife would watch in the evening, I think of only one reason, I was not associating myself with any of John Waters characters, I could draw very distinctive line between myself and what's happening on screen.
Now let's get to the music. I listen to a lot of music, and my taste has always been for strange, bizarre and hardly accessible music. When I was younger I liked aggressive post-industrial acts, and still do, as my favorite bands include Skinny Puppy, Coil, Ministry, KMFDM, some EBM bands from Europe and UK, and modern IDM acts like Venetian Snares. This is where I felt the misery. Most of the bands in my collection make music which is very disturbing, the subjects revolve around very unpleasant matters, so I was completely unable to listen to my favorite bands which used to sooth me before, as I would drift through my thoughts with some apocalyptic soundtrack blasting in my headphones. Not anymore, loud, harsh noises began to spook me, I would cringe from the inexplicable pressure and a feeling of insecurity the moment I heard familiar song. As someone acquainted with electronic music of 80's I decided to switch to something calmer and less aggressive, this is when I started to listen to new wave, synthpop and even HiNRG, which I always liked, but never paid too much attention. As harmless as it may seem sonically, synthpop songs are touching quite depressive subjects and often are very sad, new wave even more so, but I've noticed a very interesting thing, I felt more depressed when I listened to British bands, and much less so when I listened to French ones. I never quite liked French pop, but during this time it was the right thing for me, the music was so much more upbeat and hopeful. Maybe it's because I don't speak French, who knows what are they singing about, but sonically it is so much happier and light. As for classical music, baroque worked great, and surprisingly French composers, especially one whose name escapes me right now worked better than others. So again, take it for what it is, French music does lift the mood, and is more suitable for nervously ill person. Of course by now when I can enjoy my favorite bands again, and even went to my first concert since having attack, when Download was in town, I don't listen to French pop anymore.
Books are an interesting subject. I remember vividly how I tried to read during those seemingly endless sleepless nights when I simply could not fall asleep. My problem was I feared I will stop breathing in my sleep, sometimes I would wake up from the feeling that I was drowning, as I would gulp and seat on my bad with pounding heart. This is when I'd take my book and try to read. I was trying to finish the one by Chris Connelly, the former lead singer of the band Revolting Cock and many other projects. It is very interesting and fascinating book describing his adventures during his time spent touring with different bands like Ministry, Revolting Cocks and Pigface. Naturally his story revolves constantly around different drugs he and his friends would take in various forms and ways before, after and during the shows. I felt like it was me doing all those drugs, that's how exhausted, baffled and lost I felt after reading this book. My imagination plaid a dangerous trick on me, I wouldn't get sleepy, and after putting the book away I'd have images running in front of my eyes and my mind would go loops in imaginary dialogues. Sometimes I would dream in half sleep trying to explain to myself why I won't be able to sleep in particular situation, and the theme of this dream would incorporate something I read in a book.
I tried some spiritual books, but that didn't work either, as I would get afraid even thinking of those subjects. But, as usual, the road to mental health is just around the corner! There is one ultimate book which I would advise everyone to read. And not only before going to sleep, this book is so good it will help you to cut the suffering a lot, as it really gives the right tools. Unfortunately I discovered this book not early enough. The title is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes. It's relatively old, predates the modern terminology, but talks about anxiety and panic attacks. Read this book before going to sleep, it will help a lot. Sometimes I would feel great relief by just looking at it. Imagine your own, personal psychologist at your immediate reach when you need him. This is how great this books is.
As a conclusion I would like to mention, that it is important to give your tired, disturbed mind a rest, give it a chance to recuperate, gather strength to sustain day to day life. Do not overload it with stimulus, you never know when it's too much, one more song may trigger an unpleasant attack. Avoid violence, avoid brooding depressive subjects, opt for something hopeful, for something as far from you as possible, and try not to get to much immersed in what you watch, listen or read, be prepared that you might not be able to enjoy what you liked before. Remember, there is enough entertainment for every taste, mood, or condition, you'll find something that pleases you.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Antidepressants
At first I was thinking I should talk about antidepressants in my previous blog entry ("Sedatives", which was supposed to be called differently), but than I realized that I should divide the subject of medication help into two. Than I realized that not only pills help with sedation or depression. So the first division talks about sedatives - means to calm down and help stave off and moderate the attacks, the second division is about antidepressants, and this group doesn't include only pills either.
When suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, bad mood is one of those side effects, which isn't very important when the illness begins, but becomes an issue when it progresses. The main reason is that the attacks themselves are less and less frightening, the feelings are more and more subdued, as we adapt to our new condition, try to cope, live with it and accept it. Those are very right things to happen, as the less we are sensitized about the anxiety and panic attack, the more we avoid acute ones, and the more we are giving our nerves a chance to rest and recuperate. The depression snicks in during minutes of despair, during hours of dwelling, during endless research of the condition and sad realization that there is some hidden power in our body preventing us from living our normal life, from being happy, content and hopeful. It's especially bad after setbacks, when we think that the attacks left for good just to strike with new vengeance and ruthlessness. Some of the attacks may be brought by extremely depressive thoughts, since being tired and sensitized we tend to get upset much easier than before.
Doctors like to prescribe antidepressants, especially the group responsible for regulating serotonin intake by the brain. There were some studies showing those pills are helpful and they indeed are. Not for everybody, some people, like me have resistance to them. In my case I could not tolerate antidepressant drug, I felt so much worse taking it, when I stopped, I was able to look at my condition with new eyes. I realized that it wasn't so bad after all, and that I was able to cope better in an absence of those pills. So in a ironic way antidepressants helped me to progress by actually making me feel worse. Apart from expected side effects like increased anxiety and agitation, I felt some of the symptoms listed in drug pamphlet as dangerous and requiring immediate attention. From what I understood I may have suffered from serotonin syndrome, but my doctor never told me it was that, anyways, I felt like losing my concentration, I struggled with simple tasks (sorting socks in laundry basket seemed like solving complex differential equations), and being generally quite smart with quick reaction and sharp thinking I was overwhelmed. On top of it, the agitation was too much, I got tremors, sweating and couldn't sleep at all. As a sleep aid my doctor gave me another antidepressant, from different group in a dosage when it's considered sedative, and I could sleep no more than 2-3 hours in a row experiencing heat waves at night and grogginess in the morning. I was dehydrated and drank so much water my lips cracked (it was during winter). I had to stop both pills and it took me about two weeks to return to the way I felt before starting them.
Antidepressant pills are very complicated synthetic formulas, they intended to affect the brain, one of the least understood and the most complex organ in our bodies. There are much more simple and safe ways to improve your mood and I should talk about them too. You'll have to realize that those ways require more effort from you than just popping the pill out of bottle and taking it with a gulp of water. It is proven by scientific research that aerobic activity may very well substitute the drugs. It is advised to have such uncompetitive activity for at least 10 minutes a day. The simplest form is running or walking fast, but anything that increases the pulse to about 120-130 beats per minutes should do. To help you with that try exercising on a tread mill, some of them can measure your pulse and you'll know how you are supposed to feel during such exercise. Doing it regularly you'll notice that the mood improves dramatically, but one caution should be taken anyway. One of my triggers for anxiety attack was the chocking, I would feel like I cannot breath and fear I'll stop breathing. So when the heart rate increases and I start breathing more frequently this feeling is right there. So for me it was always a hard time to relax after such exercise, but after my breath normalized I would feel much better. If you think there is no time for fast pace walking or running, think again. If you have to commute to work, walk fast to your train or bus, walk instead of taking a subway. For example you can always get off the bus one stop or two before you normally do and walk the rest. You'll see that it's easy to include such exercise into your daily routine. If you commute by car, leave your car two or three blocks away, walk or run on your lunch break. I've noticed that bike commuters generally are more upbeat at work than driving colleagues, it must be an exercise improving their mood, making them happier people.
Yoga is one of the best exercises, and it is a great way to improve your mood. It is also may become your new way of life, interesting and rewarding hobby, your friend and companion. Doing yoga in group may help to make new friends, and many people come to yoga because they had various health issues, so there is a good chance you can meet people who once suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. Apart from being a key component in relaxation and mindfulness technique, it is very rewarding activity. Notice how better you can stretch each time, how better becomes your control over breathing, how more resilient your mind becomes while coping with comfortable discomfort of your yoga routine. Yoga allows you to massage your internal organs, back bends and twists are especially good at that. As a matter of fact you can emphasize poses which work on kidney's a area of your body which basically helps to normalize the functioning of adrenal glands, which are partly responsible for excessive adrenalin in your body. Other poses help with lightheadedness and other symptoms. Do yoga in group, under supervision of experienced yoga trainer, the benefits are endless, and enjoyment is guaranteed.
Laughter is another great way to improve mood, but admittedly its very hard to laugh when sad thoughts are overwhelming. One other problem is when our nerves are extremely sensitized it is very hard to cope under even slight stimulation such as an episode of favorite comedy show. Give it a try, it's best to watch your absolutely favorite comedy, something that always made you laugh, something with good association. From my experience I found that American shows work better, as they are usually very up-beat, not complicated, light and easily digestible. British shows are not exactly helpful, while they are usually wittier, sharper and more rich compared with their American counterparts, the subjects they use may be disturbing, the scenes are long and require thought and concentration (two things which are penalizing our tired brain) and sets sometimes claustrophobic. So put away your favorite copy of Holy Grail, watch a teen comedy, you'll be able to enjoy IT Crowd and even Mighty Boosh when you feel better.
When suffering from panic attacks and anxiety, bad mood is one of those side effects, which isn't very important when the illness begins, but becomes an issue when it progresses. The main reason is that the attacks themselves are less and less frightening, the feelings are more and more subdued, as we adapt to our new condition, try to cope, live with it and accept it. Those are very right things to happen, as the less we are sensitized about the anxiety and panic attack, the more we avoid acute ones, and the more we are giving our nerves a chance to rest and recuperate. The depression snicks in during minutes of despair, during hours of dwelling, during endless research of the condition and sad realization that there is some hidden power in our body preventing us from living our normal life, from being happy, content and hopeful. It's especially bad after setbacks, when we think that the attacks left for good just to strike with new vengeance and ruthlessness. Some of the attacks may be brought by extremely depressive thoughts, since being tired and sensitized we tend to get upset much easier than before.
Doctors like to prescribe antidepressants, especially the group responsible for regulating serotonin intake by the brain. There were some studies showing those pills are helpful and they indeed are. Not for everybody, some people, like me have resistance to them. In my case I could not tolerate antidepressant drug, I felt so much worse taking it, when I stopped, I was able to look at my condition with new eyes. I realized that it wasn't so bad after all, and that I was able to cope better in an absence of those pills. So in a ironic way antidepressants helped me to progress by actually making me feel worse. Apart from expected side effects like increased anxiety and agitation, I felt some of the symptoms listed in drug pamphlet as dangerous and requiring immediate attention. From what I understood I may have suffered from serotonin syndrome, but my doctor never told me it was that, anyways, I felt like losing my concentration, I struggled with simple tasks (sorting socks in laundry basket seemed like solving complex differential equations), and being generally quite smart with quick reaction and sharp thinking I was overwhelmed. On top of it, the agitation was too much, I got tremors, sweating and couldn't sleep at all. As a sleep aid my doctor gave me another antidepressant, from different group in a dosage when it's considered sedative, and I could sleep no more than 2-3 hours in a row experiencing heat waves at night and grogginess in the morning. I was dehydrated and drank so much water my lips cracked (it was during winter). I had to stop both pills and it took me about two weeks to return to the way I felt before starting them.
Antidepressant pills are very complicated synthetic formulas, they intended to affect the brain, one of the least understood and the most complex organ in our bodies. There are much more simple and safe ways to improve your mood and I should talk about them too. You'll have to realize that those ways require more effort from you than just popping the pill out of bottle and taking it with a gulp of water. It is proven by scientific research that aerobic activity may very well substitute the drugs. It is advised to have such uncompetitive activity for at least 10 minutes a day. The simplest form is running or walking fast, but anything that increases the pulse to about 120-130 beats per minutes should do. To help you with that try exercising on a tread mill, some of them can measure your pulse and you'll know how you are supposed to feel during such exercise. Doing it regularly you'll notice that the mood improves dramatically, but one caution should be taken anyway. One of my triggers for anxiety attack was the chocking, I would feel like I cannot breath and fear I'll stop breathing. So when the heart rate increases and I start breathing more frequently this feeling is right there. So for me it was always a hard time to relax after such exercise, but after my breath normalized I would feel much better. If you think there is no time for fast pace walking or running, think again. If you have to commute to work, walk fast to your train or bus, walk instead of taking a subway. For example you can always get off the bus one stop or two before you normally do and walk the rest. You'll see that it's easy to include such exercise into your daily routine. If you commute by car, leave your car two or three blocks away, walk or run on your lunch break. I've noticed that bike commuters generally are more upbeat at work than driving colleagues, it must be an exercise improving their mood, making them happier people.
Yoga is one of the best exercises, and it is a great way to improve your mood. It is also may become your new way of life, interesting and rewarding hobby, your friend and companion. Doing yoga in group may help to make new friends, and many people come to yoga because they had various health issues, so there is a good chance you can meet people who once suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. Apart from being a key component in relaxation and mindfulness technique, it is very rewarding activity. Notice how better you can stretch each time, how better becomes your control over breathing, how more resilient your mind becomes while coping with comfortable discomfort of your yoga routine. Yoga allows you to massage your internal organs, back bends and twists are especially good at that. As a matter of fact you can emphasize poses which work on kidney's a area of your body which basically helps to normalize the functioning of adrenal glands, which are partly responsible for excessive adrenalin in your body. Other poses help with lightheadedness and other symptoms. Do yoga in group, under supervision of experienced yoga trainer, the benefits are endless, and enjoyment is guaranteed.
Laughter is another great way to improve mood, but admittedly its very hard to laugh when sad thoughts are overwhelming. One other problem is when our nerves are extremely sensitized it is very hard to cope under even slight stimulation such as an episode of favorite comedy show. Give it a try, it's best to watch your absolutely favorite comedy, something that always made you laugh, something with good association. From my experience I found that American shows work better, as they are usually very up-beat, not complicated, light and easily digestible. British shows are not exactly helpful, while they are usually wittier, sharper and more rich compared with their American counterparts, the subjects they use may be disturbing, the scenes are long and require thought and concentration (two things which are penalizing our tired brain) and sets sometimes claustrophobic. So put away your favorite copy of Holy Grail, watch a teen comedy, you'll be able to enjoy IT Crowd and even Mighty Boosh when you feel better.
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