Many people are nervous, some are more nervous than others, some are more anxious, more apprehensive, fearful, panicky, hyperactive... We are all different, but our bodies produce the same chemicals when we get nervous. The chemical secreted by adrenal glands located above kidneys is called adrenalin. Adrenalin is good and necessary chemical, it helps to alert the brain of any danger. For example, when driving on the road and getting into bad situation we feel strong kick in our heart which starts beating fast, palms sweat, head spins, and we react. It is adrenalin doing its work creating fight-or-flight response. Under such condition blood flows to the brain and we begin thinking extremely quick, our alertness gets through the roof, and we are capable of getting out of danger quickly and effectively. When there is nothing to fear anymore, our brain realizes that and we calm down.
Panic attack is essentially fight-or-flight response lasting minutes, and even hours instead of split second. That's in a nutshell. The question is why such response may last long, why such irregular and overwhelming feeling becomes part of regular life? The answer is simple, if adrenalin is produced when our brain doesn't have any evidence of danger, it gets confused, and instead of being afraid of real thing we are becoming afraid of fear itself, sense of utmost insecurity, feeling of going insane, suffocating, heart palpitations, palm sweating and many other symptoms.
The question is why adrenalin is suddenly produced by seemingly healthy body when there is no reason? Why does it strike young healthy people who didn't have any history of serious disease? The answer is simple, the nervous system may become overly sensitized. Every small and insignificant event in our daily routine becomes very important, sad things upset us more and more, happy things don't inspire hope as they used to, bad mood prevails, the sleep deteriorates, we acquire repetitive, almost obsessive habits and thoughts, our mind struggles to find calmness, it is constantly spinning, even when we're asleep, we are becoming agitated, easily irritable and generally not very pleasant to be around.
Those are symptoms of being under stress. And that's what I did to get ill - I didn't manage my stress properly. I kept brooding, relentlessly loading my mind with unpleasant thoughts, I kept being afraid of the future, I kept regretting the past, I kept feeling guilty about things I've done wrong in my life. In other words, I was spinning like a record with only one track on it. The loop I created caused my brain to get more tired with every day. In search of a sense of security I was convinced I have to do more and more to achieve, use every second of a day to the fullest, but I probably wasn't built that way. My body needed the rest, but my mind wouldn't let it. At the end my nervous system became too sensitized and I broke down. I had panic attack.
My first full blown panic attack didn't come without warning. Probably two months before that I experienced milder version but it wasn't acute enough to get my fullest attention. I was watching the movie. A very sad movie, called "Breaking The Waves", written and directed by Lars von Trier, who, ironically, suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. When watching the movie I didn't know about its director. That day I came back home late but instead of going to bed I decided to have some quality time, and started to watch the movie. I was in excellent mood, I was enjoying the film, since I liked sad and bizarre things. Than suddenly I felt I'm losing sense of reality. For a moment I believed nothing was real. This thought stuck in my head and I decided to stop watching the film. I was trying to get asleep, but was too afraid to. The feeling was so disturbing, I woke up my wife and told her what's happening. Thankfully she was patient enough to talk to me and eventually I calmed down.
The next day I was feeling insecure, lost, depersonalized and afraid. In the evening I played a pick up soccer game and felt great after. I decided it's all over, I'm not in danger and all I wanted was to forget the incident and get on with my life. Unfortunately things got worse, since I was still mismanaging my stress, I was piling up work, studies, music, movies, I kept myself busy in attempt to block disturbing thoughts and worries, but all I did was running away from inevitable. One day I lost control, I felt I'm suffocating. While I was able to manage derealization and depersonalization, physical discomfort such that was too alerting, I finally listened to my body, and it let me know that it came to the point it could not continue to live my life style anymore, it gave up. Positive feedback created by my brain drove this attack to the extreme, I had to call 911 because I thought there is something wrong with my heart. I went to hospital. This is the day I understood there is something wrong with me, this is the day I began the journey of learning my condition. I knew little, I was afraid, baffled, insecure and lost. It was horrible.
It's not so important why my nervous system became sensitized, what's more important is that my condition was brought only by myself. I could have avoided all that by at least getting enough sleep. I could also worry less, but I always was nervous person. University exams, driving tests, meeting people in airports, was always very stressful to me. I was always afraid of heights, especially bridges and stairs. I guess I never was extremely bad case, but nevertheless I was predisposed. One thing I could always control though - the amount of sleep. I didn't realize how important sleep was for my health, but now I do.
If you reading this and never had panic attacks, or at least had very mild attacks, remember that letting your body rest is the most important obligation you have for your body. Listen to it, pay attention, it knows a lot more about itself than your mind; neglecting the body may lead to horrible things. Panic attacks isn't the worst that cam happen, you may acquire other diseases which aren't curable by behavioral therapy. If you already had panic attack, don't be discouraged, remember, you can get better, you have all the tools, don't despair, and remember what Dr. Evans from "Desperate Living" said: "The road to mental health is just around the corner". There are many ways we can reduce and control stress, I'll describe what I do in the following posts.
No comments:
Post a Comment