There is this great song by an alternative band with a very witty name NOMEANSNO. The band's name is Nomeansno, the song is called "I can't stop talking". I'd like to share lyrics which to me is perfect description of state of mind when the restless thoughts torture tired brain and infinite circle of mind boggling conversation with oneself drives insane.
I keep myself awake at night
I try to stop, but I can't fight
That voice that whispers ceaselessly
The one that only talks to me
It tells me what I have to fear
It spits it's venom in my ear
It calculates and carefully
Enumerates it's strategies
Round and round it's loves and hates
It endlessly reiterates
It never stops, I've never heard
The silence of that final word
But I've got to stop talking, I can't stop talking
There is no stopping a brain that keeps talking
I know it's not healthy, I know it's not true
I don't even know who I'm talking to
But I can't stop talking, I've got to stop talking
All night and all day I have something to say
I drone on and on, though I know it's not true
I've got to stop talking, I'm not talking to you
The truth around my tongue is curled
A chain of words that binds the world
In a fever, all I
Is captured in my commentary
The why, the who, the where, the when
Let me repeat them all again
And then again my voice will sing
The praises of it's babbling
The arguments that I dissect
Are lucid, cogent and correct
And if you foolishly object
I'll Gram each word back down you neck
(chorus)
If I'm the talker, here's the thing -
Just who the hell is listening?
And if I am not tongue but ears
Then who's voice is it that I hear?
I swallow, choke, and clear my throat
Here comes another anecdote
A narrative of restlessness
Of what's been done and what is next
Does it love me, does it not?
Will this seduction never stop?
Hear the clacking parrot's beak
That speaks and speaks and speaks and speaks
How brothers Wright came up with this accurate snapshot of a disturbing mess, I don't know, but they described very well my own sensations during months leading to panic attacks. I remember the voices shouting in my ears when I tried to get asleep. Sometimes, when I was especially tired, I would hallucinate (or maybe I was dreaming, it was hard to discern) that I bounce from walls and floor around the room. Sometimes I would gripe my teeth so hard during those moments, I'd feel pain afterward. Not sure how and why, those sensations now are gone. I remember the same feelings where stronger and more persistent when I was around 25 years old (roughly 10 years ago). Was I stressed at that time? I think I was tremendously stressed. Actually, now when I think about it, I was stressed so much worse than before the attacks, but there was one significant difference. The stress was not there 24/7, I didn't worry about what's going to happen as much; maybe because I was younger, and didn't have family, responsibilities or commitments. Most importantly I was able to relax, to take my mind off the worries, have fun with friends. In other words, I could stop talking, I was giving my my mind a rest from talking to itself. This was the key.
I talked to somebody who suffers from insomnia and very mild form of tinnitus. This person admitted he is too talking to himself constantly and this is the main reason he's having trouble falling asleep. Luckily for him, when he falls asleep he's not waking up. This means his body can get much needed rest when the mind is able to shut up and let it go. His body is able to take full advantage of prolonged sleep recuperating from unpleasant stretch. Another interesting thing about this person, he's not afraid of his feelings and how he is. It's a very healthy attitude, the person accepts himself, and is very content, confidant and self sufficient. At least he projects himself this way, I know I give a very similar impression on people but I actually feel and think about myself in not the same way at all.
An important lesson to learn from this case, is how it is important to accept ourselves the way we are. Being content with what we can and cannot do, how we look, with our strengths and weaknesses. It may sound obvious for majority of people, but it's very important to enforce in our tired, vulnerable mind which is confused and lacks self confidence. When the panic is setting on, try to accept it, and even welcome it. Look at your feelings from the outside as much as possible, see them as physical sensations and don't be afraid. The miracle is, that with right attitude panic is short lived, it feels like a nuisance, like an annoying reminder of past injury (twisted ankle anyone?). Panic may manifest itself in different forms, and you probably already know by now what they are, so no matter what form the panic takes, what symptoms prevailing, accepting them helps the most. Fighting and running away exacerbates panic. Say to yourself "I'm ill, I know, sometimes those feelings and thoughts overwhelm me, but it will pass, so I don't have to worry", not "Oh, my God! Why is it happening to me again? What did I eat? What was I stressed about? I have to fight this thing now!". It is useful to carefully and gently think about what may have led to the attack when it passed and your brain is calm, but don't force yourself in panic mode, relax and let it go.
When we accept ourselves, the reality, the world around us, we won't feel disintegrated, unreal and lost. We are going to feel safe, secure and complete. If you have certain phobias ( I know I do have them ) there is a nice little trick I use to desensitize from those irrational fears. For example I have a strong fear of heights, it is phobia, because I don't fear the height itself, I fear that I may accidentally fall, it is very irrational, since when I go on balcony, why would I fall from it? It feels like a magnet which draws me to the brink, while, of course, I seat still. One of the problems with phobia is that we get stuck on the scary thought, and the fear mounts. The key is to somehow let this thought pass through without thinking it to much, just notice it and go on. Everybody knows the heights are dangerous, but this thought comes and goes thus the person is not afraid of having a cigarette on 20th floor, as there is no real danger. So when this kind of fear strikes, and my mind draws scary images of disaster, I imagine that the disaster already happened, and than I imagine how I'm standing up on a ground, dust myself off, and go back up to my apartment. I realized that my fear is simply fantasy, the product of my vivid imagination, and being such why should I stop the fantasy when something bad happens in it? I can go on, and fantasize about a happy ending too, it doesn't have to be real, this way I'm not afraid anymore, and I make the thought pass.
To summarize, fears, panics and phobias are happening because the brain cannot stop talking, processing information, making assumptions, worrying about the future, regretting the past. The key of desensitization is to learn how to calm the mind, how to stop talking. Ideally you should be able to get to the point when you think of absolutely nothing. At this moment all you do is observe surroundings, notice immediate changes in scenery, cars, lights, trees, people on the streets, your ears will be able to discern noises you didn't notice before, your eyes will notice small details. It is called being in a moment, living the moment, being present. Try to make thoughts pass through you, like a gentle stream, do not get stuck, don't let yourself to go in circles, don't brood. If you have phobias, don't be afraid of them, acknowledge that it is a phobia, irrational fear, try to imagine what happens next, after the worst in your fantasy happened. This should alleviate pressure and give your mind rest and peace, and the more peace your brain enjoys, the sooner recovery will happen.
